Millions around the world of all political persuasions and creeds agreed last weekend that the demise of North Korean strongman Kim Jong-un wasn’t such a bad thing.

Now it appears that news wire services may have been too hasty on pulling the trigger on the good news.

Still, the tubby tyrant’s health and whereabouts remain a mystery even in the Hermit Kingdom. The 36-year-old’s handlers in the propaganda ministry are saying all is well but intelligence services around the world aren’t so sure.

Since taking the reigns from his father (Dear Leader) in 2011, Kim Jong-un has found James Bond-like methods of dispatching his enemies. That includes his own brother.

Kim Jong-un loves James Bond movies and once fed a man to piranhas.


In 2019, Kim became angry with one of his generals and — taking his inspiration from the 1977 James Bond movie, The Spy Who Loved Me — tossed the military man into a tank full of flesh-eating piranhas he imported from Brazil. The fish tank had been erected at Kim’s Pyongyang palace specifically for executions.


The vainglorious villain reportedly owes part of his girth to his love of Swiss cheese. While a student in the alpine nation he became addicted to Emmental. Soon he was spending hours every day gorging on fondues, gratins and sandwiches. But his cheese indulgence led to weight gain and gout, causing him to start walking with a limp.

Once in 2014, he had to disappear after eating too much of his favourite cheese when a shipment came in from Switzerland.

If you’re the Great Leader, you can have your very own girl group like Moranbong.


Everyone should have their own girl band. Kim Jong-un does. Moranbong wear military-style costumes and the members all have the same standardized waistline. He personally chose the 10 performers when the group formed in 2012.

And in a nice surprise, most of the group’s songs seem to be about the wondrous leader himself. With lyrics like “How can he be so kind” and “His smile is so warm and sweet. I have no choice but to be taken by him and his warm heart” you have chart-topping magic.

This general fell asleep during a speech and was accused of treason, then blown to bits by anti-aircraft guns.


Defence Minister Hyon Yong Chol fell asleep during a military parade. Kim Jong-un was not pleased by this and accused the dozy deputy of treason.

So, as hundreds of North Korean officials watched, the unfortunate Hyon Yong Chol was executed. Reports said that he was blown to smithereens by six ZPU-4 anti-aircraft guns.

Don’t try this in Pyongyang, kids! Only the Kim Kut will do!



In 2015, the heir to Great Leader ordered males in the kingdom to get their hair cut. Just like his. So forget the afro or the mohawk, your hair can be no longer than 2 cm as per Kim. For women it’s a bob or a bullet.

The dictator’s own unique style of coiffe has been the buzz of the styling world for years. One report said that only actors, musicians and other performers are allowed longer hair and the order is strictly enforced.

One report said: “University student monitors are walking around with scissors and cutting off the hair of offenders.”

Smoke you later. Kim Jong-un had his uncle Jang Song-theak executed.


Kim Jong-un hasn’t spared his own family when he is peeved. In 2012, he ordered the execution of his uncle Jang Song-theak, whom his nephew accused of crimes against the state. There were rumours he was eaten alive by a pack of wild dogs but a less fanciful likelihood is that he was killed by a firing squad.

Even family can get taken off the board if they’re adulterers, spend foreign cash at casinos abroad and worst of all … “dreaming alternative dreams.”

Vietnam’s Doan Thi Huong, 29, was cleared of murdering Kim Jong-nam.

His big brother Kim Jong Nam’s trip to Disneyland Tokyo really was a bad idea. It was the beginning of the end and Kim Jong-un’s order to kill his sibling and the onetime heir apparent meant death.

Older brother Kim Jong Nam was assassinated at the Kuala Lumpur airport.

For Kim Jong Nam it came courtesy of two cuties who smeared toxic nerve agent on him at the Kuala Lumpur airport in 2017. The hit was ordered by his brother and carried out by North Korean agents. The women were patsies.


He travels with his own toilet. North Koreans are told he is too godly to defecate (explains the weight!).

The tubby tyrant is always on the lookout for new talent for his Pleasure Brigade.



While Kim Jong-un travels at less than 60 km/h, the lustful leader’s libido can hit 200. First, stock the train with tall, beautiful women who have been checked for their virginity, install coral-pink leather sofas, add a conference room with satellite TV and a galley stocked with lobster and vintage wines.

And, for good measure, bring along the “Pleasure Brigade” who are young women servicing the dictator and his henchmen with on-call sex. All the while, the “Great Leader” pounds back Cristal champagne, Hennessy cognac and Swiss cheese.





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